There are thousands of ways to meet people online. Some safer than others, some more specific than others, some more creative than others. What type of site is best if you are seriously relationship oriented and when should you consider other methods? Oh yeah, and if you’ve been at this for a long time, why are you still looking?

Let’s address these one by one.

What sites to use?

The best sites to use are those that require everyone to post a profile to put a lot of thought and effort into it. These are the ones with a lot of questions, “scientifically developed.” Most of the time they require a subscription, and that’s a good thing. Separate the wheat from the chaff and weed out people who are just looking for a non-relationship-oriented meetup.

In the same way, sites that cost nothing to post a profile and don’t require any serious information are not worth it. Even if you find a wonderful profile, you have no way of knowing that the person who posted it is the person you will meet. Yes, it “doesn’t hurt”, but it can if you’re not careful. Why waste time? I’m not even talking about the public classifieds and what’s-his-name list. Those kinds of places are free for all where you can meet the creep of your dreams. Yes, the creep of your dreams.

Social networking sites have potential, but again they can be dangerous. I urge you to use those sites to find a match with the help of your friends. Don’t reply directly to a stranger, see if you have mutual friends. Get in touch with those friends and find out about this person. There’s a lot to be said for introducing a third party, and in an open environment like social networking sites, having someone who knows the person in the flesh is really important and helpful.

Which brings me to the famous Fiddler on the Roof song, “Matchmaker.” Having met my wife through three different people, I can tell you that I have found a new respect for the institution. Here’s why: They see things in you that you don’t see in yourself. I never would have searched for the girl I married if I hadn’t been set up. That forced me to take a closer look than I otherwise would have. The rest, as they say, is history in the making.

Keeping an open mind when you have dozens of profiles to choose from is not easy. Who wouldn’t go for the prettiest of the bunch? And who knows if the prettiest of the bunch isn’t a micromanagement control freak that will make your life crazy forever? You could very easily overlook someone whose background, personality, and values ​​will make a true partnership. And you might do it just because she doesn’t photograph well. I almost did, well, okay, actually I did. The girl I married had been rejected by me on an online site a year earlier.

Let it be a lesson for all of us.

commitment phobia

If you’ve been at it for a long time and can’t seem to find the right person, you may have to face a difficult truth. You may suffer from commitment phobia. This sad condition will make you find and magnify your partner’s flaws, especially when the relationship is going so well.

Ask yourself this: Have you ever pursued someone with a total crush, only to have that attraction disappear when the relationship took off? Do you feel like you run hot and cold with someone? Do you think you reject potential matches for reasons that are objectively silly? I know someone who wanted to finish because her fingers were too short. Everything else about him was fine, but how could he live with a guy with short fingers?

It is a deeply ingrained reaction. I felt it the first time I proposed to my girlfriend. I’m embarrassed to say this, but immediately as the words left my mouth I felt numb and sick to my stomach. I am even more embarrassed to say this, but I withdrew the proposal. It took me another two months to get it to stick. I had a terrible flu the week of the wedding, before and after. However, and I am very proud and happy to report, he was healthy on the day of the wedding and had no symptoms of commitment phobia.

We’ve been married for a few months now, and there are still moments where I wonder if I made a mistake. But most of the time, we are discovering wonderful things about each other and this relationship is growing. Commitment phobia most likely stems from early childhood, so it won’t go away so easily. The best way to deal with it is to acknowledge it, face yourself, and get out of your comfort zone. And of course, get help from someone qualified who can listen and guide you to restore balance in perspective.

Internet dating makes it easy for a commitment phobic to stay safe and single. One of the symptoms of commitment phobia is pursuing people with whom there is very little chance of a successful relationship. The 43-year-old boy flirting with the 19-year-old girl is a classic example. Every time he ignores those who have the potential for a real connection and goes after the most popular profile on the site, he’s seeing the symptoms of a fear of commitment. Otherwise, he would look for relationships that have the potential for commitment.

Good luck finding love, both in yourself and in your partner.