“Tell us how you feel.”

Greg shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Nah. I don’t do feelings.”

Greg participated in a leadership program. We were discussing how to create a report with the team members. I had suggested that we get real and talk about our feelings. Greg refused.

In Greg’s world, feelings were private, not shared. From his point of view, feelings had no place in the workplace, and certainly not in the leader.

I hear this a lot in the agriculture and construction industries. If you’re going to lead a group of action-oriented people, then you need to get down to business. Show them who’s boss by being firm and stoic.

This is what Greg and other old school command-and-control leaders miss out on. People do not operate independently of feelings; feelings are throughout the journey, all the time.

What many fear is that emotions will jump into the driver’s seat and race recklessly through team traffic.

It is not an irrational fear. Not all of us are good at managing our emotions. But repress and ignore them? It is also not good.

In his book, No hard feelings: the secret power of embracing emotions at work, L. Fosslien and M. West Duffy talk about different types of “emotional”, how people express and experience their emotions. They say that people are generally over, under, or even out of excitement. I have expanded your thinking a bit to four different types of emotional.

HOT:

You are too emotional, which means that you feel things strongly and express them visibly and verbally. People will be drawn to your enthusiasm and energy. They may also be put off by its emotional intensity and perceive it as a bit volatile and unpredictable.

Your main chance: practice breathing and pausing before responding. Get your feelings out of the driver’s seat and into the passenger seat.

GLACIAL:

You are a closed emotional. Like Greg, you feel strongly about things, but keep things pretty private. People see you intense and focused, but they distrust you. Those pent-up feelings sometimes seep into scathing comments.

Your Main Chance: Be careful not to hold back your feelings, as they can start to affect you in unhealthy ways. Practice noticing when you feel emotions in your body. By paying attention to your emotions, they will feel less intense. Start naming your emotions. After calming down, practice sharing with others what you are feeling and why. Prevent your feelings from becoming backseat drivers by acknowledging them.

COLD:

You are a bit emotional, which means that you feel things less strongly and do not express them much. People may come to you for help and advice, as you will be able to resolve it calmly and rationally. It is also difficult for people to read you and they may mistake your calm for a lack of enthusiasm. People find it difficult to read and get to know you, and therefore they may find it difficult to trust you.

Your main opportunity: Although you can be visibly excited, you can control and moderate your emotions. Practice identifying your emotions and sharing with others what you are experiencing and why, especially when this may lead to normalizing other people’s feelings or creating a sense of openness about difficult circumstances.

WARM:

You are an emotional with an open heart. You feel things, you experience them, you acknowledge them, and you share them when appropriate. People see you as approachable, level-headed, and warm. You model emotional mastery, well done!

Your Main Opportunity: You may need to build up enthusiasm from time to time to instill a sense of enthusiasm and passion in your leaders. Keep in mind that not everyone has learned to handle their emotions well, and you may need to be patient and encourage them to help them learn and feel safe doing so.

What kind of emotional are you? Do you think emotions should be hidden in the workplace or openly shared? What has worked for you and what has not worked for you?

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