My sister introduced me to “The Four Agreements” when she came to visit my home after our mother was placed in hospice. Apparently, my sister lives by “The Four Agreements” and she wanted to share her wisdom with me.

In case you’re not as familiar with “The Four Agreements” as I am, they come from a book by Miguel Ruiz titled, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book), which Oprah loves. .

Here are the deals in a nutshell:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

On the surface, they seem innocent, perhaps even thoughtful and wise. But then again, I’d be a fool if I didn’t always want to do my best; I am well aware that assumptions put an “ass” between “you” and “me”; and I have always taught children how important it is “to be impeccable with the word”. As a navigator on the river of life, this advice seems obvious.

But when I get to “Don’t Take Anything Personally,” I can’t help but shake my head at the simplicity of a journey that navigates this “personal truth.”

Now I’ve never read Miguel Ruiz so I can’t be sure how he defines “don’t take anything personally” but my sister seems to think it means ignoring how others treat you because it has nothing to do with you. and everything that she has to do with them.

Well, according to the river, he’s a little less than half right. According to the river, we must replace the word ignore with the words examine and learn. More importantly, we must carefully analyze the words nothing and everything because the river is too vast to allow for absolutes.

The river tells us to examine and learn from how others treat us because how others treat us has not so much to do with us but rather with them. Once you understand this rule and stick to it on a daily basis, the need to “take things personally” will simply disappear, so you won’t need a daily mantra reminding you to “don’t take things personally.”

My problem with this “deal” is the tendency to ignore. Ignoring is easy. I do it every day. The river requires more.

When they ignore how I treat them, instead of examining and learning, they fail to understand why I treat them the way I treat them, and they will drift toward that same treatment day in and day out. If you’re happy with the way I treat you, then that’s fine. Obviously the way I treat you is fine with me, or else I would treat you differently.

But if everything is so good between us, why do we remind you not to take personally what I said or did?

And there is the crack, the friction, the paper.

I treat people differently, and I’m sure you do the same. I have been rightly accused of being brusque, brief and almost rude to some people; however, I am the epitome of kindness, creativity and understanding towards others.

Why?

Almost all the actions I perform, with respect to others, are an attempt to communicate. With some people, communication flows easily and so does my admiration. But with other people, my attempts at communication seem to hit a wall at every turn.

I start to tell someone about my day, and that person cuts me off mid-sentence to tell me of a similar experience that has nothing to do with my original story, but shows how smart and informed they are. They don’t know how to listen, so I stop talking. They make assumptions about what I mean, want or need and end up wondering why I don’t show any gratitude. They can occasionally hear my words, but they seldom catch a glimpse of my meaning. Over time, I become abrupt, brief and almost rude. My abrupt, brief, borderline rude behavior is actually a last ditch attempt to send you a message, which your simple mantra says is my problem, not yours.

I quote Miguel Ruiz:

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally…Nothing others do is for you. It’s for themselves.”
—The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

Well, the river explains it in another way:

“The next time you feel upset about what someone says about you, remember that what people say about you is never a true reflection of you. What people say about you is really a reflection of them. When people complain about you, they are actually saying something about who they are and what they believe in. Their words are clues to the struggles they are having inside. So instead of just listening to the words that others use, you should try to listen to the messages behind their words. When you understand what others intend, you can act on their intentions with understanding.”
—A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life

If I don’t understand the currents of life, I may not understand why people treat me the way they do. If I ignore the currents of life, I will simply repeat the pattern.

So what is the conclusion?

The river is too deep, too complicated, and too vast for easy answers. There are exceptions within each rule. However, the currents of life follow a pattern, and when we understand those patterns, we can learn to navigate our lives without clichés or mantras. Of course, clichés and mantras have their place, but they are techniques, not strategies. Any effective boater should know the difference.