I sometimes hear from spouses who have been very honest about the fact that they are no longer happy with their marriages. They are often hesitant to share this information because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But when enough time passes that it’s clear nothing is going to change, they feel like they have to say something. So you sit your spouse down and tell them that you’re just not happy and ask for their help. Sometimes they can be quite disappointed with the results. And you may start to feel like your spouse isn’t even willing to put in the slightest effort.

To give you an example of what I mean, you might hear a wife say, “My husband used to be so romantic and caring. It used to be that he couldn’t do enough for me to show me how much he loved and appreciated me.” he used to buy me flowers and special gifts. He used to take me out to dinner just to spend time with me. Now, he takes me for granted every day. I rarely get his attention, let alone affection from him. I feel like I’m invisible. I’m happy that I can stay home with my kids, but I feel like he thinks less of me because of it. He seems like he doesn’t respect me as much as he did when I worked. Most of the time, we only talk about the children. There are times when I’ve fantasized about just quitting. But I don’t want to do that to my kids. So, I sat my husband down and told him that I was not happy. He didn’t take it well. He told me that I am selfish and that he works very hard to earn enough money for me to stay home and here I am telling him that what he does is he is not good enough for me. He asked me what I do to make him happy. He pretty much made me feel like a loser. And he has made it clear that he won’t even try to do different things to make me happy. Now what?”

This is a bit difficult for me to answer because, in my own situation, I was in the husband’s shoes. My own husband tried to tell me that he was not happy. But, I didn’t pay much attention and I told myself that he was just venting. I can assure you that he was not. He eventually got frustrated and impatient that I wasn’t taking any action. And he left. We end up separated. And can you believe I paid attention then.

So it’s actually very important to convey how dire this situation really is. Sure, your husband probably hopes that he can just play this down and stop talking about it. But you’re the only one who can show him that’s not true. And, with a few tips, you can probably learn how to approach him so that he will not only listen to you, but take steps to ensure that you are happier within your marriage.

Make sure he doesn’t just hear you criticize him: As someone who has been on the other end of this conversation, I can tell you that when you hear these words, it can feel like an attack and like you need to defend yourself. So you’re not necessarily listening to what they’re asking of you. Instead, you hear them tell you that you are not good enough. And that hurts. So whether you want it to happen or not, sometimes you end up making your spouse even more unhappy as a result.

The unhappy spouse needs to be very careful how they approach this. They want to say this in such a way that it doesn’t feel hurtful to the recipient. Also, he must try to undo some of the damage that has already been done. I would suggest something like, “Last time we discussed this, it didn’t go well. So I’d like to try again. I’m not trying to tell you that you’re not a good, hard-working husband. I really appreciate all you do for our family. But, Do you remember when we first dated and we both couldn’t do enough for each other and couldn’t talk or touch enough? Young and a little naive. I know we have extra responsibilities now. But I miss those days. They were so special. I don’t expect you to come home after a hard day’s work and then work for me But, I would like you to touch me more and listen to me a little more I would like you to stop for a few minutes and ask me how my day was so that I feel heard I would like to know that you appreciate me. And in return, I promise to do the same for you. I feel that we could both do better. And I feel that if we both put in the effort, we would see a great reward. Will you help me? make this happen?”

I would like to make one final point. It may be wrong to suggest that you expect your spouse to “make” you happy. This is simply not fair because the only person who can truly make you happy is you. Your husband cannot make you happy without your input and help in the process. But yeah, it’s worth mentioning again. They both deserve to be happy. And with a little effort, I think you can be.