I sometimes hear from wives who feel their husband lacks maturity, especially when he begins to express concerns about the responsibilities of being married. I heard from a wife who said, “My husband left me and moved out last weekend. I kept asking him why he would do that to me and he finally admitted that he ‘just didn’t want the responsibility of being married.’ We’ve only been married a couple of months. I asked him what specifically the problem was. And he said he always felt like he was responsible for me. He said he didn’t like that all decisions, from his job to his lifestyle, are now decisions he can’t make on his own without considering me.” first. I think this is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. I mean, I have to think of him too when I make decisions about my life because we’re a team. And I’m perfectly fine with that. This is just a phase he’s going through. They say they know he loves me and he’ll change his mind eventually. Will he?”

I couldn’t tell this wife if her husband was going to change his mind. But she might tell you that this is a common problem, especially early in a marriage or when the topic of children or security comes up. And frankly, most wives react by trying to squeeze him even more, but honestly, this is the worst thing you can do. This is why.

When he’s already scared of responsibility, trying to pull him closer makes him feel more trapped: It is human nature to grab something that we feel is slipping away. When someone we love starts to walk away from us, then we want to hold on tighter because we fear they will leave us. And this is normal and it is also certainly understandable. But you should know that holding on in this way will bring risks. Because when you feel yourself clinging, that panic about responsibility will be even more pronounced and you may want to let go of that a lot more. So, as much as it’s natural for you to want to hold on tighter, if you expect him to change his mind (or even come home if he’s already gone), then I think there’s a better strategy.

Give him enough freedom to ease his claustrophobia and allow him the space to miss you: I know this is probably a scary proposition right now, but sometimes the best thing you can do is appear to be their ally. If you can, try to give him more space at home so he doesn’t have to move. Offer to give him some space and distance. If it’s absolutely necessary, offer to stay with friends for a bit to give him the time he needs. I know this doesn’t sound so good, but it’s often a much better option than holding on so tightly that it pulls even further away from you. Giving him space so he doesn’t have a reason to leave will often lessen his feelings of claustrophobia and the problem will sometimes resolve itself (or at least be fixable).

Examine your marriage for possible contributing factors: I am not saying that you are suffocating your husband at all. Please don’t take it this way. But it can help to see if there’s any reason he might be feeling overwhelmed. Some men feel overwhelmed no matter how laid back their wife is or how healthy their marriage is. But ask yourself if you have any legitimate reason for feeling this way.

Is it possible that you don’t have enough time with your own friends? Is it possible that he feels solely responsible for his household finances? Or that he handles all the household responsibilities? The reason I’m asking this is because if any of these things are likely to contribute to him wanting to leave, then these things should be an easy fix as well. You could emphasize that he will share the financial responsibility. He could take over some of the household chores. Or you could give him a little more freedom. Of course, this is only if these things are applicable. Some husbands feel overwhelmed no matter how evenly things are divided.

So, to answer the question posed, while I can’t predict if this husband will change his mind, I suspect the wife could make this more likely by giving him some space and trying to gauge if there are any improvements or adjustments that could be made in their marriage or lifestyle. Because even if she was justified in arguing with him, a man already feeling overwhelmed would probably not come to his senses.