During a marriage crisis, it can feel like your whole world is falling apart and all your dreams are shattered. Hearing the words “I don’t love you anymore,” “I want to get a divorce,” or “I don’t know if I want to stay married” can leave you shaken.

Many feelings emerge after the initial numb reaction: anger, fear, anxiety, confusion, resentment, bitterness, despair, and depression. It all seems hazy and a bit unreal, like this is really happening to someone else, not you. But, unbelievably, it’s happening to you.

This is when you have to use every ounce of courage and strength you possess and a lot you didn’t know you had until now. Immediately, you need to create a space for some private time so that you can take care of yourself, regroup, and create a plan of action.

You may need to take a day off work, spend some time talking with a close friend, buy a notebook and start writing down your feelings and thoughts, or take a long walk in the park. Another option is to call and schedule a counseling appointment as soon as possible.

Next, spend some time thinking about how you will handle the situation. His goal is to buy time so his spouse doesn’t run out the door early. You want to slow things down so your spouse can have time to reconsider and, if possible, agree to go to counseling with you.

During this time of crisis, you will have to be the “keeper of the marriage flame”. It will be up to you to keep hope and love alive so that the fire does not go out. You can complain that it is not fair and that it should not be so.

But the bottom line is that if you want to save your marriage and your partner wants to break up, it’s up to you to take positive action. During the crisis, you will need to be willing to go above and beyond to keep your marriage alive.

And that means that despite your fear and anxiety, it’s up to you to keep hope alive—hope that your marriage will make it, hope that your partner will change their minds, hope that your marriage can survive this and be even better than ever.

Here are some tips on how to keep hope alive and cope with this time:

1. Don’t give up on your marriage no matter what your spouse has said. People often change their minds. No situation is hopeless if at least one spouse is willing to do whatever it takes to preserve the marriage. There is always hope that your marriage can be transformed by the energy of love. Many spouses reconsider their initial impulse to leave and decide that they have invested too much time and energy to simply throw their marriage away without at least trying marriage counseling.

2. Don’t take everything your spouse says personally. People often say extreme things when they are upset or trying to justify what they are doing. A couple who feels guilty about telling you that they want to get divorced can become very upset. A spouse who has never expressed her true feelings about things may eventually explode with a long list of her faults over the years.

3. Really anchor in your mind that how you react to the situation will have a big impact on how things go from now on. If you keep pestering a spouse who wants some emotional space, you’re giving them the perfect excuse to go ahead and walk away. You cannot control what your spouse chooses to do or not do, but you can control how you choose to handle the situation.

4. Allow yourself to be “confused.” If your spouse asks what you’re going to do next, just tell them you’re confused and need time to think, you don’t want to make hasty decisions. Being “confused” can deny a spouse who is just waiting to fight. It also buys you some time.

5. Honor your spouse’s request for emotional space, if that’s a problem. Step back and take some time to regroup, stabilize, and take the spotlight off your partner for now. You have a lot to lose if you let your anxiety get the best of you and demand immediate answers to difficult questions.

6. Make a list of all the things you can do to ground yourself and be more emotionally and physically balanced. Include things like working out at the gym, getting a massage, walking or hiking, letting close friends support you, listening to inspirational tapes on the way to work, reading books about people who have survived hard times, receiving power from their spiritual roots and connections, attend services at your church, temple or mosque, or start individual counseling sessions. Then make plans to implement the ones that you think will help the most.

7. Decide that no matter what happens in your marriage, it is important for you to know that you did your best and tried everything you knew how to do. So instead of constantly trying to figure out what the odds are that your marriage will survive, put your energy into doing what you can in a useful way every day. Be proactive and take positive action.

8. Begin to expand your life to include new interests and activities. Don’t wait until everything is settled about your marriage before you start enjoying life as much as you can. Your marital situation may not be resolved, but that doesn’t mean you should meditate and obsess over it all the time. Stretch to expand your world. When you have fun participating in activities that interest you, you become more interesting to others, including your spouse.

9. Make a conscious choice to stay positive and expect something good and useful to come out of this experience in the long run. Your expectation will affect what happens. If you have doubts, the energy of doubt will permeate your efforts. Tell yourself that there is always a creative solution to any problem. Trust in your ability to be creative, flexible, and resilient.