Do we really believe in giving people a second chance? Is forgiveness the responsibility of society as a whole, or are we individually responsible for forgiving others? Writer, mentor and therapist, Annette Lynn Greenwood challenges us to see the implications of allowing people the opportunity to ‘correct their mistakes’ …

Mounting clinical evidence now supports what many ancient cultures have long believed, that holding on to negative emotions like anger profoundly affects our health. By mentally living in the past, we are not free to experience the present, the mind manifests negative thought patterns that psychologically drag us down, and by continually reviewing such negative events we become trapped. We suffer from anxiety, depression, and other stress-related disorders, which manifest themselves physically in the body for all to see as ulcers, high blood pressure, and often other ailments that doctors may not have an explanation for.

Spiritually we are in crisis; we are out of touch with our inner selves, feeling lost and disconnected. Inner peace is replaced by inner chaos.

Experience has taught me that there is a myth about forgiveness, which is largely misinterpreted. Forgiveness is seen as a sign of weakness, forgiving must mean that we are giving in, but nothing could be further from the truth. Imagine what it feels like to hold on to a heavy weight constantly, arms get tired, legs ache, when we mentally cling to past problems and emotions, we carry the same burdens. Sure, second chances and forgiveness go hand in hand, one depends on the other, which does not mean that we forget, but if we all, as human beings, reflected on our own lives from time to time, perhaps we would not be so fast. to judge those who are willing to give others a second chance. What follows are two case studies, based on real events and people, only their names have been changed. I hope they help you judge how far we have to go as a society when it comes to allowing ourselves the opportunity to grow from our mistakes and help nurture a physically and morally healthier society …

Off the rails

When he was young, Wayne’s middle-class family had high hopes for him. Wayne, however, decided that school was not for him, he had plans to live a good life.

At home, Wayne wanted nothing but the attentions and affection of a father who decided to send Wayne to his room to play with his expensive toys instead of spending time with his son. Wayne felt increasingly isolated and, in an attempt to get noticed, began to skip school, eventually being threatened with expulsion.

His parents would punish him, but he would sneak out at night to join his new, much older friends who smoked marijuana. His behavior at home became more irrational. He was brash to his mother, but in response, his father, instead of talking to Wayne, sent him to his room with more threats. Wayne heard his parents argue frequently late into the night; his mother defended him, but his father had a different opinion. This began to sow the seeds of Wayne’s insecurity, he felt worthless and became increasingly introverted.

At seventeen, Wayne’s lack of self-esteem made him the fodder for a more notorious gang. Wayne now relied solely on the gang for the support he lacked from his father. His mother became ill with worry; he almost expected to be arrested. Soon he got his wish. When she opened the door to the cops, who explained that Wayne was in custody for assault, she almost breathed a sigh of relief. Wayne could change his life now.

It did not. Wayne was coming home with designer clothes from expensive stores. She confronted him and was met with a tirade of abuse. He feared the worst: drugs. Wayne was repeatedly arrested on driving offenses and assault charges. It was only a matter of time before he was sent to prison. The family fell apart and Wayne’s parents divorced.

Wayne wanted to start over, but he was too involved, he was a drug dealer, putting himself in a very dangerous and vulnerable position. Wayne loved his mother and decided to leave home before she was swept up in her problems. He saw no way out, even considering driving the car into a tree to end his life (that would fix everything), but he couldn’t get the image of his mother out of his head.

Desperate, Wayne confided to the only relative that he had not turned his back on him and told him about the mess his life was in and how he had thought about ending it. He had dishonored his family, hurt his mother deeply, and he believed there was no way he could repair that; he would accept responsibility for all the pain he had caused. He felt that the best thing to do was to go abroad with the money he had accumulated.

He hadn’t slept for days and Wayne fell asleep, giving his relative the opportunity to call his mother. She was there in a matter of minutes. Looking at her sleeping son, she wanted to cradle him in her arms, tell him that everything was going to be okay, no matter what she had done. Love flooded her heart. He knew that what he had done was very wrong and he did not tolerate it. He could call the police to arrest him; after all, he was supplying drugs to innocent people, even children. Then she remembered how she had forgiven him when he had misbehaved as a child, remembered doing things that she shouldn’t have done, that she wasn’t perfect. She remembered her husband repeatedly sending Wayne to her room to play alone; Wayne never got the love he craved. Part of the responsibility was theirs, as parents. Wayne’s future was in his hands.

When Wayne’s eyes began to widen, he winced at the sight of his mother’s anguished face. Had he caused this? He got up to run, but her words stopped him in his tracks: “Wayne, I love you, I forgive you, let me help you.” Wayne had been given a second chance, she had found in her heart the possibility to forgive him.

Years later, Wayne’s life is so different. Now married, he is a proud father, has his own successful business, and sees his mother and family again regularly. Sadly, he and his father never managed to rebuild their relationship. Wayne’s father didn’t give him a second chance, didn’t let go of it, held onto the event in his mind and continually reviewed it. He refused to forgive his son and kept all the resentment he felt towards him alive. He didn’t realize that forgiving Wayne would set him free as well.

Behind bars

My new case was Kelly, a 21-year-old prostitute. She had been convicted of prostitution and robbery. In the interview room I was greeted by a petite woman with elf features, surprisingly pretty and smiling warmly. An image of what a prostitute would look like flashed through my head, and it wasn’t! I introduced myself to Kelly and explained that I was going to be her coach who would help her, in any way I could, accept life in prison and the charges that had brought her here. Kelly told me that she was going to serve two years for prostitution and robbery; she did not deny the offenses. I asked her what had led her to this.

With three young children, Kelly had been abandoned by her partner, who secretly made money handling stolen goods. As soon as he had enough money, he left.

Kelly described the moment: “I had to earn money. Our flat belonged to Dave’s friend and as soon as Dave made a bunk, they kicked us out. The kids are just small; four-year-old twins and a one-year-old. In an old caravan of travelers in a vacant lot, without money for food or diapers, they had never seen their grandchildren.

I stole food for my children, diapers for the baby. I’ve never done something like this before. He didn’t have a fixed address, so he couldn’t make any profit. I was afraid for my children; I didn’t want them to be taken from me. At first I hated myself, but I became insensitive to everything. “

Sitting there, I wondered where we had gone wrong as a society. At some point down the line we had let Kelly down. She already felt isolated from her parents and now had to live with the stigma of what she had done. Kelly went on to explain: “Things got more difficult as the weather got cold, I needed to warm up the place and I had lost more than two kilos in weight. At night when the children were asleep, I checked the garbage cans on the farm. local I learned to live on scraps and scraps.

One night a guy offered to give me twenty pounds if I had sex with him. I thought about what that would buy for my babies; Food, heat for the caravan, maybe some clothes from the charity shop for me. It was over in minutes, I closed my eyes as he growled on top of me. Afterwards I felt cheap and dirty, but in the back of my mind were the hungry faces of my son. I quickly realized that I could make a living like this, no one was going to help me, so I had to help myself and was responsible for three innocent lives. I prayed every night that one day my parents would forgive me and we could start over as a family. I honestly believed that one day they would understand why I was doing this. In the meantime, I felt like I had no other choice. Soon after I was arrested, someone had seen me. They accused me of soliciting and stealing; I was sentenced to four years in prison reduced to two.

My parents take care of my children. If anything good can come out of this, it has to be that. When my parents came to see me, my mother looked horrified, she thought I had anorexia. He had lost so much weight. My children don’t know where I am; they think I’m working away for a while. I don’t want them to happen again. “

I told Kelly that in prison she could reflect on her life and I could help her look to the future, it may not happen overnight, but we could gradually change things. During the many months that we worked together, Kelly began to grow and develop as a person, her self-esteem level increased. The challenge we faced was how society would see her once she got out of jail, was she a bad mother? He fed and clothed his children by the only means he knew how. I had to prepare her for the barriers she would face.

Her parents visited her regularly, gradually becoming closer. Kelly and her children had to return to live with them. Kelly would start her education, get some qualifications, and try to start over in life. I was left wondering if we had any right to point fingers at another human being who had seen no other way out, who, in his own mind, had done the best for his children. Should we be more tolerant, more understanding in cases like this, should we give the Kellys of this world a second chance?