As the author of a relationship advice column, I often receive letters from women concerned that their husbands are cheating on them. The deception itself seems to hurt them deeply, as it indicates a violation of the marriage vows that the wife cherishes. However, I believe that the lie that accompanies deception is the most destructive element of the situation.

Baffled women who wonder how love could have gone so wrong sometimes get depressed and end up in clinics on antidepressants. Having never planned on dealing with such confusing emotions, most don’t know how to express their anger without becoming even more afraid of losing their man. These women do not want to waste years of marriage or take actions that they feel would make them responsible for the destruction of their family and the ruin of their children’s lives. So they swallow their pain and resignedly accept their husband’s deception.

On the other hand, some women are so devastated by grief and so angry that they end the marriage on the spot. However, they often express later that they regret reacting so quickly and wish they had tried to work things out in marriage counseling.

There are also different types of cheating situations. Some men cheat only once because the opportunity presented itself and they decided to take it. However, they are horrified by their own behavior and vow to NEVER do anything like this again. Those marriages can usually be saved.

Other men are habitual womanizers with no intention of committing and marrying on a spiritual or any other level. For these men, marriage is simply a social or financial convenience, something one does to appease the family or to appear respectable to superiors at work.

With infidelity, it’s hard for women to find the happy medium between denial and overreaction. For me, trust is one of the most important ingredients of marriage; Thus, when infidelity or even suspected infidelity rears its ugly head, trust has been damaged. Sometimes irremediably.

Infidelity is a sign that something is wrong. It is true that some men are womanizers and what is wrong with them is that they have issues with commitment and intimacy that they refuse to deal with. These guys escape into responsibility-free fantasy relationships with other women over and over again.

Other men, however, are looking for something that they feel is missing in their primary relationship: understanding, excitement in bed, a woman who they find interesting or challenging, etc.

Women often want to know how they can verify their suspicions and find out if their man is cheating on them. After years of providing advice on this topic, I’ve narrowed down a list of a dozen things that often indicate your man is a cheater:

• When he no longer wants to have sex with you.
• When you suddenly have to work late and have all kinds of new obligations that keep you away from home repeatedly.
• When you receive mysterious phone calls.
• When you suddenly need a cell phone or pager and you get discouraged from looking at it.
• When he comes home smelling faintly of perfume or another woman’s body.
• When you get home and run straight into the tub or shower.
• When you have strange hairs on your clothes or in your car.
• When he suddenly becomes too nice.
• When he breaks appointments, stands you up, shows up hours late with no reasonable explanation.
• When he starts to dress differently and/or does or asks for very different things in bed.
• When he suddenly starts talking to you or treating you badly.
• When he cleans up and shaves to “go fishing.”
• When your established routine changes for no plausible reason.
• When he suddenly becomes forgetful and you have to tell him everything 3 times!

Keep in mind that some of the behaviors listed above could also indicate drug use, porn or gambling addiction, or a mid-life crisis. However, if you’re sure he’s cheating, deal with it right away. Don’t wait until you catch him in the act with his breeches down! Don’t pretend you don’t know what’s going on, either.

The longer you wait, the longer you will go on and think that what you are doing is fine. You’ll get attached to this woman and get the secondary teen thrill of getting away with something right under her nose. This emotion is exciting and often a motivator that makes men cheat over and over again.

Men who cheat often say, “If she had done something about it, turned her back on my parents or the priest or threatened me with divorce or disgrace or something before I was so good at lying to her, she would have told me.” arrested”. Does this mean that it is her responsibility to stop him from cheating? Absolutely not! All it means is that he is so out of control that he needs someone to step in and take control of the marriage and family. That person would be you.

So think hard about exactly what you will do if you find evidence that your man is cheating on you, or if he admits to cheating on you after you confront him. How important is fidelity to you? You’ll first need to have a very clear idea of ​​what you’re dealing with and what your goals are, then carefully plan a plan of action that may include marriage counseling, a temporary separation, or even a divorce.

But there is no use seeking advice on how to find out if your man is cheating on you if you are too afraid to do so. make anything. Those of you too scared to confront his men, or too weak to fight for your marriage, will probably find yourself nervously waiting and following the show until he gets tired and leaves.