Phew, the bug!

They are everywhere: bed bugs! – and soon they will arrive at a bed near you! At least that’s the hype of the day. Unlike all other predicted outbreaks and pandemics, this is one bug we can actually see! And there is only one ‘vaccine’ that I know of, but first:

Here in North America, infestations seem to be confined to isolated pockets of communities, not unlike the head lice that periodically circulate within a school system, or the parasitic rumors that run wild on short-sighted Internet forums. In this age of hyperconnected transportation, it’s probably only a matter of a few weeks before bedbug outbreaks connect the rest of us with their little dots.

It’s time to kick off bed bug hunting season! No permissions needed. No bag limit!

From my perspective as a Native American hunter/gatherer, let’s logically analyze our situation.
Who attacks us: A parasitic insect of the Cimicidae family.
What they eat: Our blood, regardless of the type or amount.
How big is this lurking prey? The size of a dog tick.
How could they harm us? Although they are designed to contain and transfer more than 20 to 40 known blood-borne pathogens that they ingest, no disease transmissions are known to date. Until now, their bites just irritate us and remind us that everything on earth seems to have a natural predator, including us.
Good news for urban dwellers: the natural enemy of bedbugs is the cockroach.
Bad news for the impatient: bed bugs can live dormant in your home for at least a year, except for a new pesticide-resistant variety that rarely lives more than 2 months.

Quite well known. It’s time to access my Genetically Implanted Indigenous Survival Guide and apply the following Hunter/Gatherer principles.

1. When nature’s best hunters are being attacked by something much smaller, their response is easy: EAT YOUR ENEMY. Doesn’t ingesting bed bugs (roasted like delicious tofu casserole for that potluck between parents and teachers) work up an appetite? Then move on to the next line of attack:

2. Hire mercenaries: BRING THE COCKS Everyone (now including you) knows that chickens eat bugs. It is what they do and with great pleasure and most importantly with unerring precision and consistency. So what’s a little flock of Red-legged Banties fluttering around the Pottery Barn sheets for a couple of days? It’s cheaper than an exterminator and with no chemically induced mutations for the bed bugs or for you!

BONUS: By implementing Option #2, you also get FREE EGGS that are also likely Salmonella free! Not as into cool feather pillows as you thought? Go to Option #3:

3. BECOME A BED BUG WARRIOR: Since the old days of the merchants, the Indians have had a healthy appreciation for the white man’s novelty products. Enter Scotch, as in Scotch brand double-sided tape:

How to catch a bed bug in your bed They come out in the dark, so you’ll need a small LED light, preferably mounted on your head via a hat or headband. You will also need two or more rolls of double-sided tape. (The first roll will fall to the floor and end up under your bed, smothered by hungry Dust Bunnies, keep an eye out for the next manual on How to Catch, Skin and Tan Dust Bunnies (they make lovely slippers for Christmas presents!).

Using the second roll of double-sided tape, peel off five 6-inch strips, twist them into loops, and place the four loops on the edges of each quadrant of your mattress. The fifth loop remains attached to your index finger of your dominant hand. (The good news is that Lefties double-sided tape is for the semi-ambidextrous, that is, those who use one hand well, even if it’s the left.)

Did I mention that you must be naked for this safari, otherwise every piece of clothing becomes camouflage for the prey, not you, the hunter? If he is new to bed bug entomological tracking, use only solid white or pastel sheets until his skills are honed for the more advanced challenges of patterned percale.

Then lay or sit naked on your bed, LED light on your head, duct tape cocked, and ready to shoot.

When your prey pops out onto the buffet of your B-positive infused body, JUMP with your tacky digits! Quickly repeat the movement like a rapid-fire Gatling gun.

When the lint has covered your weapon rendering it useless, grab your auxiliary arms and the remaining four double sticky loops! Cheer up, NOW! This is no time to panic!

After the chaos calms down and the fluff settles, pause to assess the body count.

Now every hunter misses more often than he hits. Don’t be discouraged. Think of each failed attempt as practice.

After all your practice rounds, take out the third roll of double-sided tape and FOCUS.

Once you catch a couple of these elusive little critters, you might really enjoy taping the trophy strips along the wall above your bed. It is a modest form of self-indulgent achievement. You deserve it.

Soon you’ll be texting your friends comparing bragging rites over captured late night odds!

And think of all the money you will have saved!
Plus, you proactively took charge and protected your health—yes, from bed bug bites, but more importantly, from the litany of harmful effects, both recorded and unknown, from the use of deadly chemicals in your sleeping space. Eight hours of exposure every night to ANY chemical that can kill a lot of bugs, wherever they hide, has to be less than healthy for their species too!

Inspired to imitate this Indian? So please enjoy my humble hunting song as you do:

How many bed bugs can one bed bug have if one bed bug bites all the beds? How many bed bugs can one bed bug sleep in if one bed bug sleeps with all the bed bugs! How many bugs and how many beds can a bag of bed bugs, bed bug, and after beds, how about rugs?

Happy hunting.

Oh, and the ‘Vaccine’ referred to in paragraph one – I write from personal experience. Last year a stray cat deposited a pack of fleas in my bedroom. While I was tempted to simply run the visiting feline around the house to remind them all, I ended up performing the same duct-tape hunting ritual as recorded above.

Every night, several times every night, I deliberately made myself a human target and girdled the little bastards with my naked body, armed with leashes of sticky death. I caught literally hundreds. It took me three and a half weeks and I caught them all. It has been 11 months without fleas and no chemicals were used.

IF my house was infested with bedbugs, or any other threat to my health, I would immediately ingest herbs to strengthen my immune system and that would make my blood and skin taste unpleasant. In the event of a complete infestation, I would also use diatomaceous earth on my bedding and bedrooms as it pierces the exoskeletons of insects and thus kills them over time without harming humans and other mammals or birds that share the space. There is more than one way to bag a bed bug; these are mine.