One of the biggest mysteries for wives after a husband’s affair is what his thought process was just before (or just when) he made that horrible, life-changing decision to be unfaithful.

Many wives will try to solve this mystery by asking their husbands directly about their thought process. However, this is often not very satisfactory. Because a husband is rarely completely honest. And this isn’t always because he’s trying to cover himself up or save both of you from some pain. Often it is because he has no idea why he would do this. He can’t always isolate exactly what he was thinking or why he acted.

So without getting the answers she needs, the wife is left to speculate. And I find that many times wives fall back on old clichés mixed with our worst fears. This is what many wives assume to be her husband’s thought process.

Some variations of ‘I wasn’t getting what I needed at home, so I’ll get it somewhere else’: Many wives feel they have no choice but to assume that the affair is a direct reflection on her or their marriage. He will assume that her husband was no longer attracted to her. Or that, if he was, he was more attracted to the other woman.

Or he will assume that the other woman has become so special or unique to her husband that his desire for her outweighed his commitment to his family or his common sense. They assume thought processes like: ‘wow, this other woman is younger and prettier than my wife. She offers me something that I can’t and can’t get at home.’

Or ‘my wife is cold and my marriage is sub-par’. And now that I’ve found something better, who can blame me for taking advantage of it?

And finally, ‘I’m so sorry for this other woman. And eventually, I’m going to leave my husband for her.’

With all of these potential assumptions, it’s no wonder many wives view affairs or cheating as rejection. And it will hurt because it will change the way she sees herself and her marriage.

What if you weren’t “thinking” at all?: However, in reality, the thoughts described above are rarely what I hear and feel from husbands. Frankly, I don’t think many husbands have concrete, identifiable thoughts that lead them to act just before an affair. Instead, I think that, for the most part, the first act of an adventure is done mostly on impulse. And indeed, many husbands will tell you that they tried to quiet their thoughts instead of pushing them through. They calm them down to help ease the guilt.

Although I think conscious thoughts are somewhat rare, this is what I think the thought process would be more often if there were really concrete thoughts.

“No one will find out. It will be a one-time thing. And it will be a Band-Aid.” Many husbands do not cheat with the intention of changing their marriage, despite what they tell the other woman. They are often at a point in their lives where they feel unsure of themselves. This is often a point where they feel like they have lost something. They may feel off their game. Older. Tired. Lose a step. And they often don’t share this with their wives because it’s embarrassing.

So when an opportunity presents itself that might make them feel better, they often act on impulse. And when that moment comes between leaving or taking action, they may tell themselves that it’s a one-time thing that won’t lead anywhere. Or they assure themselves that they will not allow anything significant to change.

Of course, I’m talking about generalities based on the trends I see. Each person is unique and each situation is different. I am trying to offer reassurance that every affair does not involve a husband who was rejecting his wife. Many of these same husbands fight very hard to save their marriage and get their wife back after the affair is discovered. Even husbands who think they have fallen in love with the other woman sometimes realize it over time.

My point is that I think it’s a mistake to assume that a cheating husband doesn’t love or be attracted to his wife. Often this is not the case. It’s just that he doesn’t think he’ll lose her or get hurt by this. And he’s acting on impulse, not common sense or good judgment.

So my answer to the question “what do men think when they have an affair?” it is that often men do not think at all. And this is the problem. Their thoughts only kick in after they’ve already made the mistake and caused the damage.