Let’s talk about this marriage thing. What is? What makes a “marriage” a marriage? When does a marriage take place? Why do so many people just “have to get married”? What about divorce? When it starts? Why does it end? Why it happens? When does it finally end? The answers to these questions should be understood by literally everyone before making the decision to be with someone “for the rest of their lives”, because sooner or later we all at least consider getting married.

First of all, you don’t have to have a wedding ceremony to get married, in the true sense of the word. Keep reading and you will see why. We have weddings, of course, because it makes our friends and family less nervous than when we just “get together.” Also, if you’re going to do that, “you might as well get married.” “Why don’t you go and do it?” It seems as if society has turned us into this marriage machine. You date, you get engaged, you rent the church and the hall, you get married, you go on your honeymoon, then you go home and start living, having babies and making everyone in your world so much happier because you did “what that is made.” They are satisfied. Are you?

Over the years I have counseled and talked to many people about their “marriage” who wondered, “What have I gotten myself into and how do I get out of this?” After describing the frustration of being in something they don’t want to be in and trying to figure out what happened, he would always ask them the same question: “Think back two or three days before the wedding and ask yourself, and be honest when you answer: “What’s the REAL reason I did it? Every time, almost without exception, the reason for today’s breakup starts with that reason. It’s almost ALWAYS for the wrong reasons. I was pushed into it, I know they sent out the invitations, daddy spent thousands of dollars, he didn’t know how to say no, I was pregnant, he was handsome, she was great in bed, she had a great body then, so was he.The number of reasons is as wide as the number. number of people who can’t say no. When we take a closer look at why we did it, we find that it wasn’t based on anything we’ve discovered that’s close to what we thought was a marriage. But, maybe we still don’t know what it is. Stay tuned.

When a writer begins by saying, “The dictionary defines such and such,” I tend to stray right after the word “dictionary,” but let’s stay awake for a second and see what it says: “Marriage: the state of being married b: the mutual relationship of husband and wife: MARRIAGE c: the institution by which men and women are united in a special type of social and legal dependence for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family”. [Yawn]. Too vague for me. But wow! The definition of WEDLOCK is scary: WEDLOCK. Does it make you think of jail? Me too. Some feel this way when they live with someone they don’t want to be with right now. They were joined by “society pressure” (society, again) and something legal (we’ll talk about this later, it’s good). Look at this definition and think about it for a minute: “‘a close or intimate union,’ the marriage of painting and poetry.” Well, it looks like that’s getting close. But can two people have that kind of close union? You know, like the marriage of painting and poetry? Sounds pretty poetic to me.

You’re still reading so far, so I’ll assume you want my definition (or, since you paid for it, you want to get your money’s worth). I don’t know if I can sum it all up in a few words because, after all, no one else can. But, that never stopped me from trying something. Here goes: a meeting of minds along with the agreement that we think a lot alike and therefore like each other. And when you think like me, you congratulate me. When you compliment me, you make me feel good about myself. I like people who make me feel good about myself. You have to like each other or it all stops there. When you find out that you like each other, which makes you feel good about yourself, you respect each other, and if you respect each other for a long period of time and don’t stop, you begin to truly love each other from the word go. It’s kind of like a process to go through. When and if we are truly “in love”, we have gone through the process, whether we are aware of it or not. Sounds like something our grandparents did. You know, the two who stayed together for 65 to 70 years and still loved each other? They respected each other and then came the agreement to be together until death. wow! How long could it be. Yes, but they did, because by the time they decided to have a wedding to celebrate their “marriage” and let everyone know what they were doing, they had time to have thought of all the reasons for not being married to each other and I couldn’t find any. They liked each other, which led to respect, which led to love, which led to the commitment to be together until death.

What about intimacy? That’s the icing on the cake of being truly in love (in the definition of marriage we’re discussing). Let’s imagine that Grandma and Grandpa wouldn’t even consider doing anything under the covers until the preacher declared them married. Why? Because they loved each other, they respected each other; they loved each other and were smart enough to know that the icing on the cake enhances. It is NOT the cake, nor is it the biggest ingredient in the cake. Also, back then, even though there were still human emotions and hormones at work, the idea of ​​those things was just different. Of course, I’m not so naive as to believe that some of them didn’t go wild as often as they could before the wedding.

Well, we’d be friends (and you’d probably be disappointed in me if I didn’t talk about the “icing” we enjoy so often nowadays). First, let me point out that my point is in no way accusatory or critical. If that was the case, I would have to look in my own mirror and see the icing smeared on my face as well. I am simply showing our current way of seeing and doing things. Things: have sex arbitrarily, anytime, anywhere, with anyone. I have thoughts about it, which I will discuss a bit later. But for now, Grandma and Grandpa probably abstained (with exceptions for some, of course), but most likely just waited.

So a marriage is basically a mixing of two different “somethings”, or two people’s lives, to make something entirely new out of the mix. Something is created that has never existed before. My argument is that once a true marriage is formed, it can NEVER be destroyed, by anyone or anything. It is there forever. When it is true from the beginning, it is like your life vocation. If it’s real and true it chooses you, you don’t choose it. When he chooses you, he doesn’t take no for an answer. Whatever “it” is, it is indelible.

Basically we have discussed what a marriage is. Now, let’s discuss when it takes place. Is there a precise time, or does it happen gradually over time? Does it take place in church before the preacher and in front of family and friends? Does it take place before that or after the wedding? My argument is that it takes place at the precise moment when all those ingredients discussed a few paragraphs ago come together. You’ve heard many times people say “they just knew”. The first night my mother and father met for the first time, without even having met, my father pointed my mother to my uncle and told him that he was going to marry that girl in the red dress who was standing in front of them. . At almost exactly the same time, my mother saw my father and told her sister that he was the man she was going to marry. They had never even met before, and yet they “just knew.” They were “things”. It was then that they realized that the other person and themselves had created something new that had never existed before. Suddenly they realized that something had happened over which they had no control. As soon as they met, they were “in love.” It lasted 32 years until my father died too young at 56. My mother never remarried. There was never anyone else in her life except my dad.

Sometimes you say you love someone and you call yourself being in love with that person. But look at the expression itself. How can you be “in love” with someone when he has no idea you care, or if she does, she doesn’t even like you, let alone he loves you? Being “in love” requires two to agree on the same feelings and emotions towards each other. Let’s call it what it is. If the other person doesn’t agree, it’s just that you want things your way. It’s a crush. It’s your fantasy about something you think you want. In reality, it is being self-centered and childish. You might like what you see, and in the optimal circumstances mentioned above, you might be in love if everything falls into place. I’m not saying you can’t love another person like another human being, but let’s not use the expression to suit our own selfish motives. Together, or being “in love” has to be a meeting of minds, of values, of feelings.

When people have a ceremony and call it getting married, there is usually more confusion within the relationship than peace. The ingredient that they expected to be “given” to them, many times is simply not there. They, in their minds, fabricate every reason they can think of to justify “getting married.” Human beings tend to use any excuse, not reasons, to do what they want to do, including lying to themselves. They have a ceremony. They may be legally together in the eyes of the law and third parties, but being married is not who they are. They play marry. They buy a house, they buy a car, and they have a baby, but living happily ever after isn’t going to be on the cards.

We must be honest with ourselves if we want to avoid the suffering that will surely come if we have made such an important decision that we say we want to live the rest of our lives with someone. We must wade through the emotions that scream at us trying to make us force things before we can think about them without the pressure of the situation. Being totally honest with yourself is the only way to be sure that you won’t make a mistake that you will regret.

Copyright 2008, by Wayne E. Smith