I like to share new knowledge and the things I learn because it reinforces these things in a very personal way for me. A new lesson I discovered very recently was about supporting my wife in her relationship with my daughters around an issue important to her. My vapid support of her in a small area (to me) was hurting her relationships in what was becoming a pretty big area of ​​concern for her. It was about cleaning the bathroom.

The general process that we followed together to control this area was the following:

1. We asked the children if they thought having a clean bathroom was important. This encourages acceptance.

2. We seek a commitment to help us. This either works or it doesn’t.

3. If it didn’t work, we set the bathroom cleanliness standards we required. We were specific in describing exactly what it would look like, after use, each and every time. Clean and clear vanity; clean the floor with the stored clothes; hanging towel; appliances and lights off…

4. We asked the children if they had any ideas for us on how we could achieve these standards. Again, this encourages acceptance. also introduces consequences.

5. If some ideas or no ideas come up, we had our own ready ideas of consequences that we could apply.

6. There were to be no reminders. I call this the ‘dripping faucet’ method. I found myself reminding children to clean up after themselves many times a day and this clearly had limited lasting effect. In this way, the ‘dripping faucet’ did not work.

7. We expressed our ideas for a possible consequence and again we were specific. Every time the bathroom was left untidy or didn’t meet the standards we were looking for, it meant that access to the computer, internet and phone was lost for the day.

8. We are again seeking feedback on whether or not this was fair. We found that having the discussion over dinner was the ideal way to create a respectful and non-threatening environment.

The process is fair. he comes out mokita in the family that describes the concept of “the truth we all know but agree not to talk about.”[1] For our family, the mokita was a degenerative and dissatisfaction common bath. It was important to our collective relationships that we honestly state what was important to us, do what was appropriate, and do it in a way that was also appropriate, involving key affected family members.

As a married parent to a non-parent spouse, I think it’s very important to take their views on so-called minor issues into account. What’s minor to one is important to another, and if it’s minor, what harm could cooperating do in the first place? That’s right, there is no harm and the cost is small. However, the benefits of cooperating on this ‘minor’ issue far outweigh the earlier discomfort that was present. Finally, my wife feels understood. That’s important to me.

Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All rights reserved throughout the world.

[1] See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mokita for more information.