1. Put your trust in your God. The Universe is controlled by a divine power. Put your trust in the power of prayer and listen to the answers. Throughout my marriage, I prayed for the strength to get through some very difficult times. Not being an addict myself, I cannot understand putting a chemical in my body and keeping that chemical in a place more important than my family. I just don’t get it, but in the end, if your spouse doesn’t seek professional help for drug and alcohol addictions, it’s probably time to go. I was so scared and felt like I had no choice but to leave to protect myself (and the children). At first, I was stunned (I still am) that he would choose drugs over us, his family, but THAT WAS his choice. Although I cannot control his choices, I AM affected by his choices, and I CAN control HOW I will react to those choices. So, I pray… a lot.

2. Get Legal Advice: Know that anything a drug addict says, no matter how sincere it may seem at first glance, is motivated by drugs. Whether the conversation is about kids or money, don’t trust anything an addict says. A professional told me that when you are divorcing a drug addict, you MUST face the fact that a drug addict is having an affair! You (and the children, if there are children) are no longer the main focus for a spouse with drug or alcohol problems. A drug affair is very difficult for the other spouse to “fight off.” (A friend of mine went through a divorce with a partner who was a chronic “cheater”, she felt my situation was easier. Divorcing a drug addict is the same as divorcing a “cheater” – trust is gone! Gone, it’s gone!) Then, unfortunately, you must have legal representation, unless the addict is willing to sign the whole thing off and just walk away. If your spouse is willing to “give” you everything, you should still have a lawyer and perhaps an accountant review and advise you on any short-term, long-term, and/or tax implications. Check in with friends or go online and get referrals from chat rooms, web forums, or even Twitter can point you to websites to help you do some research, but in the end, get some professional advice.

3. Get support from friends. A divorce is emotionally draining. Your friends and family usually don’t want to hear you, but it’s very important to have someone who is willing to listen and simply offer support. No guidance, just support.

4. Get therapy. If you can afford to visit a therapist, I recommend that you do so. A trained professional can help you understand the inner workings of the brain of a drug or alcohol addict. And whether you want to hear it or not, on some level you have some responsibility in all of this. A therapist can help you see the areas where you need to take charge of this crisis. There are studies now that have revealed that people with addictions have a gene that can be identified. You may have to face the fact that, perhaps, you were a “facilitator.” Ultimately, however, the responsibility for addictions rests squarely on the shoulders of the addict. Unless, of course, it was you who held your spouse back and physically forced the drugs into your body.

5. Blog. If you live in a bubble, where you don’t have access to friends, family, and therapists, I suggest you blog or at least journal. Even if you have friends and family, these support systems, firstly, get tired of hearing your outrages and pains, and secondly, your friends and family, unless they’ve been through it themselves, may not know how to support you. . It’s one thing to have friends and family who can support you through a divorce, however, divorcing an addict is NOT like going through a “normal” divorce with “irreconcilable differences.” Go online and find others who are fighting the same dragons, find chat rooms and forums that can give you guidance in finding lawyers and therapists, etc. in your area of ​​the country. It will give you a chance to rant with someone who understands and you can compare horror stories which, believe me, eventually, over time, can come across as mildly entertaining. Maybe even funny.

6. Protect your credit. Any divorce will cause disruptions to your credit score, and especially today, with the current economic climate and issues with identity theft, it becomes even more important to protect your identity and credit score. This isn’t just for strangers, your spouse could try to hijack your identity, not just because of their own selfish practices but sometimes, as was in my case, an attempt to cause you harm. In a divorce, both parties have the potential (and motive) to cause damage to each other’s credit. Horror stories abound about credit catastrophes caused by angry spouses, like… spending credit cards in the other spouse’s name and walking away. Request a service that, for a monthly fee, will monitor your credit score and notify you by email if there are any changes in your credit score.

7. Set up your new separate identity. If it’s not the time now, it will be soon. So there is no better time than the present to start using your own name and identity. Start to recognize yourself as YOU. Separate and apart from your identity as a spouse, being recognized by others as an independent person will help you feel more empowered. Think about going back to your maiden name.

8. Take your time. Decisions made now, while not set in stone, are important and will have an impact. Whether you decide to move to a new house or city, whether you choose one lawyer or another. All of these decisions are important. So make your decisions wisely and educate yourself to the best of your ability. Take advice from any and all sources you can, but remember that you are the one who has to live with the long-term impact of the election. So make your choices and decisions wisely!

9. Don’t take advice from your friends. All of that said, in number 8, recognize that you shouldn’t take advice from friends as “set in stone.” Take input, evaluate, balance with internet search information, but know that friends are biased. Unless your friends are trained professionals, and even then, while their input may be sincere, it could be totally wrong for your situation and could be biased. Take all the input and apply what works to your individual situation.

10. Insurance. Make sure all your insurance is up to date. Medical, vehicle, home, life. In my situation, for whatever reason (I’m guessing their processes were clouded by drug/alcohol use), the car insurance didn’t pay and we were driving for months without car insurance. In my state, that’s illegal and the state was reported and that opened another can of worms, causing more damage to my credit score. So take responsibility and make sure ALL your insurance is up to date.

11. Your Finances. Your finances are a very crucial part of a divorce. If possible, I would suggest that unfortunately you need to plan ahead by putting some money away before the divorce, in case things go sour. You will, at the very least, have access to SOME money to help you get through some rough roads ahead. Money coming in should always be more than money going out, but it is particularly important during a divorce. Work diligently to keep credit cards in order. Continue, if possible, to add to your savings plan every month. You really need to be aware of the tax ramifications and long-term impact, things your attorney may not be experienced with. Work with an accountant or financial expert on divorce planning. In hindsight, it’s always 20/20, as the saying goes, and looking back I realize that during my marriage we lived on one salary and banked the other. While we were in the marriage, I thought this was a great idea. Now, however, when he closed the bank accounts and took all the money, I realize that it was not a good idea. Get an accountant.

12. Take care of yourself. The road ahead will be grueling and likely difficult, depending on how much time/emotional investment you have made in your marriage. Take time to relax, do whatever gives you some “you” time. Go for a walk, play cards, ride a horse, do yoga, read, play the piano, it’s important to find time to experience things that relieve stress. Stress can be difficult to handle at any point in your life, but particularly during a divorce. The point is that a divorce CAN consume you, IF you let it. So take the time to take time for yourself. Make sure you get your hair done, your nails done, pamper yourself, and know that no matter what anyone else tells you, you’re worth it. Taking care of yourself boosts your energy levels, your resolve, and your determination.

At the beginning of the end (or at the end of the beginning), I saw “Diary of a Crazy Black Woman”, I saw “Enough”, I saw “Sleeping with the Enemy” and while I recognized parts of each of those movies in my marriage, more than anything I recognized that the common element is a certain “system” of emotions that run amok. First comes the surge of fear, then outrage, then anger, then fear again. More outrage, anger, and then acceptance and resolution. Through it all runs the desire to “hate” – eventually comes the resolution that these negative emotions fuel more of the same – via the Law of Attraction – making it healthier (not easier, but healthier ) leave The law of attraction is very clear, whatever you focus on, whatever you think about, will bring more into your life. Anger brings more anger, on the contrary, peace will bring more peace.

Drug and alcohol addicts don’t use drugs and alcohol because of something you did, they use drugs and alcohol because of something that happens in their own reality. I used to get angry every time I opened an email offering me drugs without a prescription; somehow I was able to easily hit the delete button. I can’t say the same for everyone; otherwise these websites would not survive. You give yourself too much credit if you think you had something to do with turning your spouse into an addict. At some level, even the addict cannot control the behavior. Hopefully, at some point, the addict will realize this and seek professional help to help them heal.

Another little thing that I am going to give you, the drug addiction doctors have told me that the drug addict will tell you that he has recovered. This was certainly the case in my personal history. Most drugs cannot be controlled by the addict “cold turkey” alone. Usually these drugs have to be “detoxed” from the body using other drugs and a course of therapy and these things cannot be done on an outpatient basis. Once an addict has “recovered,” that person’s life will forever be “in recovery.” Whatever addiction to gambling, drinking, drugs, over and over on the list…once the addiction has been ‘conquered’ it will always be a challenge AND one addiction can be replaced by another! It is very important that addiction problems are treated by a licensed professional, in controlled settings.

So let them go – don’t take their choices personally, and even though it may seem difficult, let them go… and pray for them.

I am not a professional, I encourage you to seek the advice of a licensed professional to help you make critical decisions.